- RSS - I’ve felt like shit recently… (pretty much just a rant)
I know I’m not supposed to feel great, and I know that’s just not how life is. I’m never always gonna be happy, but spending hours on the floor or in bed just because I can’t fucking motivate myself is so annoying and depressing. I just want to be normal and function like a regular person in society. I’ve tried making friends but they all just seem like they feel weird around me as if I’m diseased or something or I just make them feel uncomfortable for some reason.
I added two people on discord from the new school and I just can’t seem to have a normal fleshed out conversation with either of them. Maybe it’s me?
I feel so lost in my own life, like I just can’t figure anything out. Like I’m always just talking to that brick wall, running against it as if it’ll just magically let me through. Shit doesn’t work like that in life, but I don’t know how to do anything.
I want to meet people who want to meet me and who actually care about talking to me but no one does. It’s always a one-sided conversation and most of the time I just have to deal with it, so I feel like at this point I just give up and let the loneliness take over yet again. This is exactly what happened at [old school], and last time it happened, I wanted to kill myself.
I wanted to be someone different, and I made myself someone different but I feel like maybe that was specifically because of someone else and I was just totally lost. I have no personal identity and I feel like I need to be around people for me to be myself.
Thank you? Thank you…
It's strange,
but I've been harping on someone recently. I can't get them out of my head. I don't really want them to be in my head, because it causes me to feel worse. I won't go into detail here, but it has really bothered me. It's nothing bad, but it causes this feeling of loneliness, and want I to talk to them again. I guess I'm more fucked in the head than I could've ever imagined.
I don't want to totally distance myself from them, but it would improve my life to move on and stop thinking about them. It's like this cycle of anxiety, loneliness, and lethargy. I feel so tired always. I get like 4-6hrs of sleep on average, which I wouldn't consider bad at all. If I sleep longer, then I'll just feel the same, and I'll have less time during the day.
School really sucks everything out of me, especially with all of this social drama I have going on in my mind. I've literally not made a single friend at school. I just spend all of my school day listening to music and sulking around, and I feel awful in my own skin. I can't change because I'm not sure I even want to change, but I know that I don't want to be like this.
I almost want to lose my mind until I have another fucking break, because that's exactly what I need. I need time away from the stress of life and everything surrounding it. Sometimes it really does just feel like a nightmare, walking around and seeing all of these people, who don't see me. It's like I'm completely invisible.
Admittedly, one of the worst things is wherever I sit, people seem to avoid. It's like I'm a one sided polar magnet, surrounded by other polar magnets, but everyone else has a nonpolar magnet side to them. Sadly, both people that I added on discord before have sort of left. One deleted their account, and the other replies to my messages like a week after I sent a single fucking message. What's wrong with me...
I've literally asked people before, and I never get a straight answer. I just want someone to tell me, so I can finally make a proper assessment of my social life. I open up to people when I get comfortable, but after that, it feels like people just lose interest in me, and I go back to being the shy lonely retard I am. Both online and in person. I don't want to take solace in the internet. I know what a fucked up place it is here... but I feel like I'll go crazy(more than I am now) if I have no connections besides my parents.
I'm not romantically interested in anyone right now. I just want to make friends that I can talk to. I don't know how to approach people, but I want to do it so badly. There is something so wrong with me.
My only idea that might work temporarily is just to lock myself away in my head until I can escape school. Be anti-social and lonely again. I know it's not great, but I honestly have no other ideas. I'm SOL.
My life is basically just a giant cognitive distortion at this point. I can't talk to people, so I just assume everything. It's always the worst-case-scenario for me, which just makes me more anxious and sad.
I'm not going to sleep during the day, no.
My hands are so shaky nowadays. I'm full of antidepressants and other shit to control my brain. I can't remember where I saw it, but I remember seeing something in a song that talked about how they wanted to kill themselves but they were too scared to do it. Basically me. Or I just want to rip my fucking brain out every day until I drive home. Every day is a drag, and I feel this horrible pressure just mounting up on my shoulders. I'm not strong at all, but whatever, I'll just sit through it or something. That's what everyone says to do at least, since "such is life" and "everybody goes through that." I honestly have no clue if everyone really does, but I have no care in the fucking world, because whatever I'm going through right now, I don't want it to be happening.
"It gets better" (by the 3,000th episode). I feel too pressured to stay alive that I'll just have to sit through all of it, or I'll just collapse finally and give in to all of the stress and pain that everything causes me.
I have some months where I'm super happy, and nothing could go wrong, and then I'm back in tomato town, getting raped by the physical embodiment of anxiety itself. Ugh
"Oh you're such a teenager :P" BITCH IM ON THE VERGE OF BREAKING DOWN 24/7!! lmfao